


Soul On Fire

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Series: Antifreeze AU Oneshots [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cagefic, Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, Gen, Jack comforting Sam, Jack is Sam's biological son, Jack is always Sam's son, Major Death Tag is just based on canon references, Minor Character Death, S14E20 spoilers, Sam Winchester Has Powers, Sam comforting Jack, Trans Sam Winchester, WIP, alluded to torture, and i hate it, but not explicit like usual, everything has become WIP central, i was trying to write fluff and I failed miserably, usual alluded to noncon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-09-05 23:22:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Jack finds the Supernatural books and realizes what happened to his Dad without Sam being prepared.(This is an alternate AU where an eldritch horror threatened the SPN universe so Chuck, Amara, and all the Archangels had to work with the Winchesters to prevent the death of this universe. Everyone is in a kind of detente where  no one is allowed to kill each other but people are not on good terms, because a ton of awful stuff still happened. When I have writer's block, this is when this gets updated.)





	1. Disjointed

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title a song by Mystery Skulls.
> 
> I saw a prompt and decided this would be my warmup for today. I'm trying to learn to be less rambling and more concise but it's a losing battle.
> 
> I swear I'll work on ALPAS soon I'm just fighting an urge to start a mermaid SPN AU, a game of thrones lotr SPN au, and more Sam and Nick and Lucifer stuff.
> 
> also this is not exactly good but whatever i wrote something

When Jack comes shambling into Sam's room at 4 am in the morning, his grace keens loud enough to wake the dead.

Sam jolts upright immediately, feels the grace and see eyes glowing, like the tapetum lucidum of an animal hit by a flashlight in basement, gold like a floodlight, and Sam's immediate hair-raising, short breath panic and closed-throat hair-trigger instinct to hide and grab a weapon after being woken from the usual uneasy sleep (the usual nightmares), because it's an Archangel, it's him and he's back and... it isn't, it's too warm, not cold, and the gold eyes are full of tears- which all turns into an immediate need to scoop Jack up in his arms and not let go.

"Jack-" Sam's words are fuzzy in his mouth as he sits up and turns on the lamp with a click that still makes him flinch, "What's-"

Then he sees the two books clutched at Jack's side. Distinct Supernatural covers, chintzy and worn.

It's the one after Sam remembered Lucifer, hallucinations and all.

The other one is the one Sam can't even look at, with Baby on the cover.

Luckily, Sam doesn't have to be the one to dispose of the things. Dean usually rips them apart and runs them over with Baby and then drowns them with bricks, and that's good enough for him.

But it doesn't change the aftereffects.

The book had ended with a long, long fall, and Dean driving away.

But for Sam, all he could think of was the fall down, and the last of Dean's words, a silent goodbye sometimes he still fears might get ripped away.

All it did was remind him of laughter, and fire, and hands combing through his hair, and the knowledge that this was forever now, that he chose-

The Cage pulses in Sam's mind, suffocating, omnipresent, claustrophobic and too hot except for where the ice crackles down Sam's throat-

Sam hated that one the most. He would burn every copy he found, except he can't watch them burning. All he can see is the distinct fuzzy outline of his own soul self-destructing, how Lucifer always made him watch as his hands caught fire first, or his legs, and how Sam's soul always smelled brighter and sharper and like antiseptic when it burned like paper doused in gasoline, so unlike the way meat does when you're roasting alive, except your throat is only embers and charcoal and heat and you don't know how you can open your mouth or smell or taste or inhale at all, because everything is light, and all you can do is scream because the fire is forever and it's so hot all it feels is like a weight ripping you into dust and so hot you feel nothing but what screaming must taste like-

Except for when Lucifer shoved a hand inside Sam's soul when he was burning. Then it was like trying to contain two solar flares- one so hot it felt like you were already dust, and the other so cold it felt like burning into smoke, wavering and insubstantial and too much pain for sound to escape, too much pressure in your throat, except you never got to become nothing- you were too solid every as every wave threatened to shatter you into a billion pieces, laughter cold and cutting as the cold threatened to make you fall to your knees and almost eased, almost numbed, with whispers singing in your ear-

Sam cuts the chord of his thoughts with a desperate kind of dissociation, because if he doesn't, this will go nowhere good.

Sam swallows, forgetting how to breathe as Jack takes in halting wheezes of air.

"Jack, are you okay?" Sam finds his voice, tries to remain detached, oh-so-careful.

The lamp shatters, plunging them into darkness if not for the golden glow of Jack's wings wrapped tightly around him.

"I know why you didn't tell me." Jack starts in, all choked out throaty noise, and he sniffles, trying to keep his throat from closing as folds himself up on the edge of Sam's bed. "And I'm sorry."

Sam shifts the comforter to wrap Jack up and hold him close.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Jack-" Sam starts in, but Jack interrupts, giving him a look so profoundly miserable that it cuts his vocal chords off, anyway.

"He was here!" Jack insists, voice breaking. "He was here and I kept wanting to get to know him and..." Jack cuts out, looking at his hands. 

_And that's why he wouldn't stop smiling at you._ He doesn't say. _That's why you stayed in the room- you were protecting me._

"-And I didn't know it was about you, when I picked it up." Jack adds. He didn't want to make Sam uncomfortable, and he knows there are things he doesn't talk about, but after reading, after seeing just how brave Sam is, Jack wonders how he could even look at him. How he could see anything in him at all.

"Jack, it's okay." Sam repeats. He tries to believe that and keeps on insisting, because he needs Jack to be okay. That's what being a parent is about, after all. "Really."

Truthfully, he's scared. Jack has seen him, now, really seen him, has seen all of Sam's weakness and hell, those books are not kid appropriate and Chuck didn't exactly leave much out, although what he did-

Jack takes in a breathe and tries to calm down, glancing back up at Sam shyly and then looking away again.

"Is that why you believed in me?" Jack whispers, meeting his eyes. "Because of what happened?"

"Jack, listen. You are a good person. You're a kind, and wonderful, and curious kid and nothing anyone else does will change that. Lack of control don't count, either. You're a kid, and you are allowed to make mistakes. It doesn't make you evil, and you never have been. And I know you, Jack- no matter what happens, you have a good heart, and I love you. Okay?" Sam replies.

Jack nods and sniffles.

Sam looks at his hands. "But I will say, what I've been through- I have been there, Jack. And I'm here for you, if you need it."

Jack looks like he's going to ask a question, then stops.

"Is that why Dean wanted to kill me but he didn't? Because you-"

"Dean was never going to kill you, Jack. I would stop him, and his heart was... He wasn't thinking straight. Like I wasn't, back then. Doesn't excuse what he did," Sam sighs, "But he just was taking it out on the world and blaming you."

Jack's wings recede, and the lamp gets put back together, glass shards spinning in the air with a wave of Sam's hand before the lightbulb is soldered back together and the light flickers on again.

"Where did you even find these, anyway? I thought they were gone..." Sam doesn't finish his thought. 

After Becky... After Lucifer got out and found her, left her rotting and mutilated on the floor for "laying hands on what was his," not many copies had survived the resulting purge.

Jack scratches the back of his neck and sheepishly smiles. "When we went to that library... I started reading, and I might have snuck a few out?"

Then his expression turns serious again.

"Was it hard, using your powers again to teach me?" Jack asks.

Sam shakes his head. "Not really. It's different. With you, it's like... It helps me, actually. With you, I know I'm helping. That I'm protecting you. That I'm not being manipulated. It helps make it easier, since Dean still doesn't like it...." Sam's hand takes one of the books and hides it under the comforter so he doesn't have to keep looking at the cover. The art wasn't the best, either way, but the Impala was still looking back at him, and it's taking more energy than he thought to keep his breathing even. Then Sam pats Jack's shoulder and gives a small smile. "But what does he know?"

"Yeah." Jack answers with a smile back, but then he adds, brow crinkling, "Sam... I know you probably don't want to talk about it. But if you want to, I mean..."

"You can ask whatever you want, Jack. If I can't talk about it... We'll just take a walk outside or make tea or something, okay?"

Jack nods vigorously and holds Sam's hand, wings loosening a little from their previously tense position.

Jack meets Sam's eyes again, and musters the courage to ask, "How did you do it?"

"Do what?" Sam fidgets. A muscle in his lip twitches, but he keeps Jack's gaze.

"Stop him." Jack says quietly.

Sam goes still.

"The book said some stuff, and..." Then Jack inhales, "You loved him. But you stopped him anyway, and he... He..." Jack doesn't finish the sentence. "How did you fight it? Because the book didn't tell me everything, and I think... I need to hear it from you." Jack finishes, subdued.

Sam closes his eyes, chest expanding, and tries to focus on the warmth and reassuring weight of Jack's hand in his, in the scent of the pinewood bed and the scented candles Cas had decided to binge buy and line the bunker with for a ritual but also because he was a little obsessed with self-soothing through the act of burning the wax and letting all the synthetic, overpowering human smells infect everything. Dean wasn't a fan- said this place smelled like a mix between a Bath and Body Works and church combined with a knockoff psychic's show in Vegas- but Cas kept on flooding the Bunker with them to distract everyone from Lucifer's presence the week before.

"I guess it was easier than I thought." Sam finally finds the words. "Because when you love someone, you don't let them tear you apart, or the world, because you know it won't fix them either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this fic going forward, assume my usual Sam/Lucifer subtext. If you want an explanation of that subtext, I can explain that if ppl want.
> 
> Also, I'm assuming I'm going with my usual changed canon with Jack as Sam's actual biological son w/ Kelly as a surrogate. But this can still work with Jack being adopted by Sam like actual canon, I'm just not sure how traumatic I want things to be for background details yet since I intend this to be a more toned down than ALPAS, although that's not saying much tbh.
> 
> My usual Sam and Lucifer S5 sort-of-canon-if-you-squint meta stands though, with Sam regretting having past feelings and Lucifer being awful to Sam while still being possessive and obsessive.


	4. Fingers to the Bone (majorly segmented and incomplete)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title a song by Brown Bird.
> 
> Dean and Michael talk, Jack and Michael talk, and Sam and Lucifer hash some stuff out badly.
> 
> (This is a WIP and nowhere near done but if I didn't post some sort of part of this fic I was going to remain stuck.)

Dean keeps sipping his beer and pretends the Archangel isn't hovering on the other side of the room, wearing his Dad's old likeness from before Dean was born.

This Michael, the one from the Cage, is different from the other world's Michael. Untethered, yes, but in a looser, more pointed context.

When they burn with rage, there's more deliberation. Less distance, less ants-under-a-microscope scorn.

No, with this Michael, the real Michael of this world, the one Dean had been meant for and spurned, and been spurned likewise...

With him, it was personal.

That's why, more than anything, Sam's been running circles with Cas around the two of them to keep them out of the same room.

But he can't run interference all the time- especially with Lucifer and Chuck giving him headaches and his need to corral Jack away from the fallout.

\--

There is this gaping distance between them, the space Adam left behind when he took the mantle from Dean's shoulders.

Dean wonders what happened to Adam, if he's safe in Heaven or if he was in the pit, because Sam said he wasn't down there, but Death had suggested otherwise... Then again, Cas would've seen, when he grabbed Sam from the Cage, soulless and then not, the second go-around.

It's quiet.

And the space of the Cage, and all it's secrets, and the things this Michael knows about Dean's brother as he watched Lucifer deep in the pit...

Knows about all the things Dean's been too scared to ask.

It festers like an open wound.

Dean wonders when Michael will rip it further open.

\--

"I thought my father was going to fix things."

\--

"He asked me to walk off the chessboard."

"You walked off the chessboard. You saw. I didn't."

"And now you want to ask me if I'll be a loyal son...?"

"Being loyal is all I had left."

\--

"I think, when he left, I was just tired. Tired of looking after my siblings. Tired of them messing up. Hoping, if I did things right, that Dad would come back and fix my mistakes and actually say he cared for once, instead of leaving me to clean up the fallout."

\--

"You told me not to go down this road, that is was a dead end street..." Michael laughs, but it's a mirthless, empty thing, a sound Dean recognizes from himself back when he'd hollowly realized following John's line would only lead to losing Sam and nothing else, and Michael whispers, "I guess you were right."

\--

Whether Jack had said that to reassure himself or not, he'll never be sure.

In some ways, dealing with their world's Michael is easier.

There's no history except the distant gaping sea where Sam and Lucifer are battling a war he doesn't quite understand.

To him, to this Michael, he's nothing. He's just another abomination.

In some ways, that's easier. (And harder, too, because that was more like Dean, back in the beginning, and the similarities get a little hard to ignore-)

Easier, though, because Jack is used to being seen as a freak and a monster except by the people who love him, the people who matter.

\--

Just because Sam knows a dream of a memory doesn't change the fact he knows he's trapped in it. Just like it doesn't change the constant shifting sand feeling of being submerged in stagnant, murky stillwater of a memory that's grown curdled, it's emotions choking him in a kind of helpless, carousel-cyclic limbo that he can't quite break free from or rationalize his way out of.

_"No." Sam had said, like so many times. (And was ignored, so many times, always a footnote as the greatest joke in Sam's sorry life-)_

_"Yeah. When I gave up Dean, you didn't think to question it, to ask why? Dean was resisting me. He was too attached to you, to all of you. He wouldn't stop squirming -- to get out, to get back. So I left but not without leaving the door open just a crack."_

_And the memory of that still gives Sam nightmares, just as the next bit had, when Cas had asked, "Why wait?" and the other Michael had answered: "To break him, to crush and disappoint him so completely that, this time, he'll be nice and quiet for a change... buried. And he is. He's gone." Sipped his whiskey like it was over. "And now I have a whole army out there, waiting, ready for my command, ready for this."_

And Sam wakes up with the memory of snapping fingers.

What's worse is Lucifer is standing over him, in his room.

Again.

"Bad dreams got you down, baby?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore the stuff below, this is just me doing logistical stuff because I'm gonna write non-canon extrapolation first and then add in canon angst comparison time.  
> (you saw nothing)  
> \--  
> NOTE TO SELF ADD THESE CANON PARTS OF THE EP FOR COMPARISONS AND ANGSTY STUFF:
> 
> "I own you."
> 
> "You don't mean that, Dean, not really. You may lie to them, but, deep down, I know you. I am you."
> 
> "You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he "gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition." Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other."
> 
> "And, Sam... Oh, Sam, you know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.
> 
> "You don't need them. You don't even like them. They're not your family- they're your responsibilities. They're a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted... You were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes."
> 
> "You fellas didn't think this out, did you? Even if you could force me out, what do you think I'd leave behind, hm? You'd be nothing but blood and bone."
> 
> \--
> 
> "Oh, buck up. It could be worse. You know, unlike my brothers, I won't leave you a drooling mess when I'm done wearing you."
> 
> \--
> 
> "You little maggot. You are no longer a part of this story!"
> 
> \--
> 
> \--
> 
> JACK AND MICHAEL ANGST, mention torture.
> 
> \--
> 
> "Why am I here? Why didn't you just kill me?" Jack 
> 
> "In your present, powerless condition? Why would I bother? Are you familiar with Kansas City -- the people, the terrain? Back in my world, I enlisted a garrison to invade it. We leveled it. Death from above. But there was human resistance. Things got messy. I'm trying something different this time -- an insurgency from within. My monster army turning every last man, woman, and child -- a wave of transformation. Vampires or werewolves -- it won't matter which. Everyone they turn will be mine. No muss, no fuss."
> 
> "Why would you think I want to hear any of this? I hate you." Jack sneers.
> 
> "Oh, but, Jack, we're family. You know, in fact, we're the only kin each other has left in this world."
> 
> "My uncle's in the Cage. And you -- you're not family." Jack answers.
> 
> "Well, not literally, no. Our connection, our relation is more a matter of scale of power. Haven't you learned yet? In this reality, monsters, humans, even angels -- they are insects, atoms compared to us. But you," Michael chuckles, "You're just a child, a mere infant. For you, the past two years, the entirety of your existence, feel like eons. You don't even know what time is. But you will. Real time, the time that makes mountains, that wipes out species. You'll see it all with me."
> 
> "No."
> 
> "Year by year, century by century, and as your power returns and grows, we'll only become more alike. Oh, I know. Your loyalty to Castiel, the Winchesters, the rest of humanity? It will fade. And so will the minor differences -- angel armies versus monster armies, this Kansas City or that Kansas City, one world from another -- they'll fade, too."
> 
> "Sam, Dean, and Castiel. They'll come for me."


	5. Ace of Spades (Half-Finished.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam dealing with Lucifer and Chuck trying for visitation rights before and after chapter 1.
> 
> (AKA Sam has the worst in-laws and exes that still don't get the memo literally ever.)
> 
> I wanted to post something but I haven't posted the Chuck and Lucifer trying to vie for Jack's attention and Sam being like: "how about NO? No sounds good here," part yet, so expect that to show up in this fic sometime. This also occurs as a later chapter, there's three chapters before this I haven't finished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title a song by Motorhead, although I almost went with Styx's Mr. Roboto for no good reason except that I like the domo arigato part of the song as Sam blue-screening as he's like: apparently this is my life. And because it's kinda sarcastic because everyone acts like they do everything for Sam's own good or because Sam's emotional wellbeing doesn't matter to them, so I felt thematically it could've worked because the lyrics: "Thank you very much oh Mr. Roboto for doing that nobody wants to" and how the Devil tries to escape judgement by acting like he's some kind of necessary evil helping people by being Like That. But Ace of Spades won out.
> 
> Anywho, now that S14E20 aired.... that certainly modified how I'm writing Chuck by A LOT. So, uh... yeah. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make this jive with chapter 1, but everything that happened in the season 14 finale still happened before they had to team up and stop the end of the universe b/c whatever Big Bad I decide on (if I don't keep it nameless), it's threatening Chuck and Amara and the Empty, too.
> 
> And yes, that means Jack got severely traumatized before being resurrected, I'm so sorry. On the plus side... Sam shot God to protect his son.
> 
> TW: Sam, sexual trauma, boundary issues and manipulation, dissociation, and past references to Jack and Sam being treated horribly, although that's gonna be in the second half that I haven't turned into dialogue yet because everything I write is fighting me.
> 
> I'm also not sure if I'm TW every chapter for this, but either way assume a lot of that dynamic going forward because I write Sam/Lucifer a very specific way. Do I write it as a toxic romance gone horribly abusive and wrong? Yes, but I also just write it as horrific in general. Lucifer's canon core trait imo is how he never feels like he is wrong and will justify everything and blames everyone else and takes out the consequences on them, and he holds a grudge, but he still has this sick fascination with Sam, so I view it as he wants to be loved but he also is just as willing to tear apart people without any guilt whatsoever. If Lucifer reformed, he wouldn't be the antagonistic devil we see past S5, so assume post-S5 and all the canonical context the show gives us there.
> 
> Also it has been forever hello I've been meaning to write more of this for ages, I just needed to decide on my dynamics so here we are.

"Told you." The last thing Sam needs is Lucifer, in his space, and Lucifer breathing down his neck, and Lucifer throwing a tantrum about Chuck.

Yes, Chuck is about the worst grandfather and officially a person non grata whenever possible.

That doesn't mean Lucifer can make himself look any better for criticizing him, although the Devil is still trying his best to milk the occasion and has spent the last 30 minutes trying to connect with Jack about it (with Sam trying to get Jack as far away as possible as best he can, seeing as Jack's excuse that his own murder was traumatic enough hasn't fazed Lucifer from his attempts in the slightest. Sam's attempts don't really work, either, seeing as Sam's trapped between the door and the counter, but Jack is at least out of the room, and if this keeps up into tomorrow and all else fails, Sam will try his luck throwing Michael and Chuck and Lucifer at each others' throats, since sometimes Sam and Jack are able to sneak away when the fights start up again.

Although Sam tries not to let that happen unless it's an emergency. Getting caught in between raging archangels is a recipe for disaster and dredges up some pretty horrible memories he tries his best to suppress, but if it's between his own issues and Jack getting a break from Lucifer's attention, Sam knows what sacrifice he'll make.)

Then again, Sam isn't surprised. The second most annoying, downright exhausting aspect of being trapped in the Bunker with four archangels, God, his sister, Jack, Rowena, Dean, and Cas is the fact that every time Lucifer picks a fight with someone else, he looks to try and make himself look better and "patch things up".

It's almost enough to make Sam wish he was on fire again. (Even though he doesn't, even though the alternative is still eating him alive and he's still scared half to death of all the false kindnesses Lucifer is trying to make him remember in the name of teamwork). Sam doesn't know which will make him crack faster, but all he can do is hunker down and try to be as unfeeling as a mountain.

It's also worse when Sam realizes that Lucifer's bullshit is easier to deal with than Chuck himself.

Lucifer... for all the things Sam has tried to forget, to bury as far as it can go, for all the cruelties he has to pretend aren't raw as everything else... Lucifer is familiar. Everything about being confined in close quarters with Michael and Lucifer is familiar. Lucifer throwing a pity party and chatting nonstop and getting too close and hinting at blame and hard feelings and attempts to make up, as nauseating and panic inducing as all of it always is, is still damn familiar, and if it wasn't for the sour sharp fear invading Sam's knee-jerk responses every time he gets too close, Sam could almost consider it background noise he could drown out since he's lived thousands of years of it.

Lucifer being disgusting and horrifying and cruel was as mundane as every whisper, and all his compliments and his two-faced, wheedling insinuations, and every promise is a kick in the gut but just as rote as all the other times Sam has heard the song and dance.

Chuck, however...

Ever since the cemetery, and Jack being killed in a sick game of half-amusement and half-threat from Chuck, ever since Sam had the wool ripped from his eyes and saw what the monster truly was behind the mask, Sam's been more scared of letting him get close to Jack in any context.

Shooting him had felt good, though, even if that means Sam has to worry about those consequences, too.

Luckily, whatever the Entity beyond did, it's making everyone hesitate to use their powers in an effort to conserve their frail advantage at the moment.

It doesn't change the fact that Sam's tongue cleaves to the roof of his mouth with the same metallic fear he's felt in the Cage thanks to his sons, and it doesn't change the constant fear his insides being distended if he breathes wrong or says something with a bit too much haste every time Chuck enters the room.

But Sam is proud that he can still speak his mind in the name of defending Jack, though. It's one of the few things he feels like he hasn't screwed up after everything that's come to pass.

Which is why it's a damn miracle Sam managed to get Jack to bed and under Castiel's supervision without Jack having to run into Chuck or Lucifer tonight before he gets to sleep. Poor kid doesn't need any more nightmares, and after getting his soul back, he's been scared of sleep enough as it is.

It does mean that Sam is stuck reading Chuck and Lucifer the riot act about Jack, with boundaries he knows they are going to push if not outright ignore, and the second worst part is Lucifer is trying to back Sam up in his own twisted way, and keeps trying to turn this into Sam choosing a side when Sam hates both of them so much he's amazed he hasn't burned up from the sick fever of it.

Sam is on Jack's side, and his own. Lucifer doesn't get to pretend to be on either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we all know my opinion of canon Lucifer being a lying liarface trashfire that I love him for being as an antagonist, but with this added layer with Chuck, he's like that dude who lies JUST ENOUGH but in just the most manipulative ways that when he tells the truth it's always a slap in the face. And even when he tells the truth, you fucking hate his guts because of all the other bullshit he pulls, and the sucker still wants you to feel bad for him.
> 
> Great for a villain character, but it also reminds me of those people that suck you in irl that have your fears and gaslighting keep you up at night when you wonder what they were right about and what they were fucking with you with to keep you in control. I have no better coherent way to explain that but ya feel me?
> 
> Like, Chuck is so much more of a lying asshole than previously thought, and Lucifer is still just as awful as he always is, but just looks slightly better through the framing of the situation and because he's just that good at playing victim. It's like watching two narcs try to outplay each other and everyone having to deal with the fallout.
> 
> (Also, I fully intend to write a fanon S5 happy Samifer story where Lucifer isn't like his canon trashfire self at some point (because a repentant non-selfish non-narc Lucifer is a great read but so not how I see canon) and Sam gets a break because I want to, but something tells me this isn't gonna happen for a while. But it's interesting to me that an aspect of the same thing ppl love with their old S5 interpretations of nicer!fanon Lucifer still manifests in abusive canon Lucifer: the fact that he appears to give acceptance to Sam and is very hyperfocused on him (even though canon Lucifer is using the loneliness and outside judgement and manipulative sense of being-right as an isolation tactic). It's just funny how the same things ppl like in a ship can get dialed up more to worse proportions and lead to such a horrifying character coming from the exact same place when given bad faith motives from the start (which is what makes the Devil the Devil: he promises love and truth and seduces people with what they want, like safety, but only is giving them out of selfish needs for his own purposes and even then he's still lying). But what makes his character as an antagonist great is he's still really good at selling it...
> 
> But it sucks for Sam. (And irl when the same things that make a person seem like they care about you are the way abusive people also start intermittent reinforcement and ramp up gaslighting, and when ppl pull that earnest I-only-want-what's best for you obviously you are assuming the worst of me for no good reason, let me love you and get back in your good graces) yeah that shit it SUCKS, and when they end up being right about something else and trying to make you doubt yourself it's like total mindfuckery.
> 
> Anyway, the dynamic can be summed up by the quote: "Meet me in the middle, says the unjust man, and he takes a step back " quote that I saw floating around somewhere. That's like an abusive relationship goalpost shifting right there.
> 
> In other news... I wish I could finish things every time I go to work on something I get stuck halfway and it's driving me crazy, all my upcoming chapters in all my wips are incomplete and not cooperating rn.
> 
> But for this, I don't really have an arc planned so much as specific things I want to write. Like a Michael and Dean discussion, a Michael and Chuck discussion, a Chuck and Gabriel discussion, a Sam and Gabriel and Lucifer discussion, a Michael and Lucifer and Sam and Chuck discussion, a Michael and Cas discussion, all the Archangels yelling at each other and God, Jack being caught in the middle, some Sam and Gabriel and Jack scenes, Amara and Jack interactions, some Gabriel and Dean and Cas and Jack scenes, some Cas and Sam and Jack scenes, Amara just side-eyeing everyone trying to avoid the drama and then being sucked in too, all the Archangels being pissed at Chuck and each other, Chuck trying to deflect, and then Billie showing up and being like, "yo, winchesters, can't believe I'm saying this but you give me less headaches than them. any ideas on how to get them to shape up so we can prevent the universe unbalancing? because we're on a schedule"


End file.
